The Suburbanites & Lawn Care

… an imaginary conversation between The Creator and St. Francis

THE CREATOR: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on Earth? What happened to the dandelions, violets, clover, and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.  They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass.

THE CREATOR: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds, and bees - only grubs and sod worms.  So, these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

THE CREATOR: The Spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week. 

THE CREATOR: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

THE CREATOR: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? 

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir.  They pay people to haul it away.

THE CREATOR: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

THE CREATOR: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

THE CREATOR: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great pile and have them hauled away.

THE CREATOR: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

THE CREATOR: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up.